Are others as fucked as me ....
2018.09.21 02:03 A_Tosser_Account Are others as fucked as me ....
First, let me say that unlike most on this sub, I’m older. 57 to be exact. I’ve been married for 19 years to a great woman. This is my second marriage.
I’ve never considered myself gay. And I still don’t. But I no doubt will get all kinds of shade if you read this entire post. If for no other reason then because I'm posting in this sub.
I don’t recall ever thinking of guys in any sort of amorous way I was much younger. I always liked girls. However, when I was nineteen, in the fall semester of my freshman year in college, I was——for reasons to this day I cannot fathom—-compelled to be with a man. One night I intentionally walked a strip where guys where known to cruise. I got picked up by some dude, went back to his apartment and basically topped from the bottom (a phrase I would not have known or used then but recognize now). I recall he had this cheesy mustache, which turned me off and repelled me when he tried to kiss me, but otherwise I was like, I want you fuck me in the ass RIGHT NOW!
Really, quite a first-time liaison with a guy, right? I mean, WTF? I don’t even think he sucked me; I gave him oral for a while, lubed up, and gave my ass away like a cheap crackhoe.
Here’s the best part: I played football in college. I’ve always been bigger. Athletic. Really into sports. I’m one of those types that if I don’t pay attention to my gait, I’m pretty sure I walk like a gorilla. (If you’re wondering, I’ve stayed in shape all these years … “yes, I lift, bro”)
Anyway, skip a few years ahead to my senior year in college. I did nothing man-wise in the intervening years, nor was I interested. In fact, I was busy trying to fuck every girl who had a heartbeat. Until I scoped out this guy who worked at the place I was doing my internship. I pursued him——again why, I have no idea—-ended up hooking up with him a few times. He was a top and wanted to fuck me, but I denied him. We stayed in touch over the years and about 10 or so years later during the time between my two marriages he and I got together and I was more than happy to let him plow me. But this experience came in the later years between my marriages.
I actually left my first wife because I was having an affair with a really wonderful guy. Our relationship was surprisingly provincial. In the year or so we dated, I fucked him a total of one time, and he fucked me a total of once——and only then after some urging by me. Maybe if he would have let me fuck him more, our relationship would have lasted longer. Regardless, I still think about him. After that, I had a couple of other minor flings with guys, but soon found myself back to pursuing women exclusively and leaving the gay thing behind, finally meeting the woman who is currently my wife.
Skip ahead fifteen years. Nary a sexual thought toward men had entered my melon-shaped head. Then about two or three years ago I start watching tranny porn. Eventually, it becomes almost the only porn I watch. (For whatever reason, gay porn does absolutely nothing for me.) Without going into a lot of gratuitous detail, I get so turned on by thick tranny cocks, men getting banged hard, sexy-hot shemales fucking and getting fucked….YUM! I love all of it. But, shamefully, this led me to fall off the wagon yet again when I hooked up with a couple of local pro trannys. I realize I’m a cad for my constant cheating. I have no answer for that.
So here we are now, and about a month or two ago I was having a conversation with my wife who suddenly asks me if I’ve ever been with a man. I don’t recall exactly how this conversation came about, but I’m sure it involved me saying things that probably came out rather suggestively. My affairs and liaisons with guys have always been my deep, dark secret. Like Dexter’s dark passenger. I’ve always—ALWAYS—been very careful to keep the two worlds completely separate. But finally, in this case, I came clean about my past sexual interludes with men (no mention of the tranny porn, however). Actually, telling my wife felt quite refreshing, definitely like a weight had been lifted off my back. BTW: she took my admission of homo-sex rather nonchalantly, so idk, maybe I don’t come across as manly as I sometimes think I do.
Since that conversation, I’ve been back to thinking about men. Not just thinking about cock, but more like …. holding a man. I get chills just thinking about kissing a man. Feeling a man’s strong, broad shoulders, thick chest, his stiff cock rubbing against my own while he’s laying on top of me shoving his tongue down my throat. I mean, what the fuck, right? That is totally fucking gay.
Worse still, I’ve come to realize I have an intense crush on a scorching hot married (i.e., straight) guy friend (yes, crushes still happen even when you’ve reached the age where you get mail regularly from AARP). I think about him Every. Fucking. Day. It's been like that for a long time, but maybe i just refused to recognize it for what it was. And I've compounded that issue by making the mistake of texting him after having had a few beers, and now I’m worried I’ve jeopardized our friendship because of some silly suggestions I made in our text conversations.
Honestly, this affliction of mine for same-sex is like locusts: It goes dormant for long periods of time, then it returns with a fucking vengeance that drives me insane.
So, you are now free to tell me what a major piece of shit I am.
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